Disconnected From Physical Form

An exercise in writing what comes up; no editing, no censoring, no strategizing.

1. Maybe I do not want to perform, maybe I want to get on stage to figure out how to finally not perform any specific behavior.

2. I feel somewhat “reset” by the meditating I’m doing lately. I wake up looking forward to it and later in the day, sometimes, I do it again. It’s this kind of pressure-less commitment that makes it enjoyable. I’m able to focus on the benefit and the enjoyment of the experience instead of fulfilling an obligation. Short term, easy and convenient commitments may lead to longer ones.

3. I should add there are three things I’ve been doing as a kind of ritual for the last 19 days. It’s been a. walking b. meditating c. writing one sentence a day in a journal. The rules for these three things are what’s helping me keep up with them

   1. walking should be walking to or from a place where I’ll get some work done when I get there, then be excited to leave and get my body moving in the cold air as a break from the work

   2. meditating can look like doing some yoga poses with my eyes closed, sitting and breathing with my eyes closed, but I have to focus on visualizing sound in my mind’s eye while I do it

   3. writing should be not though about. it should be maximum a few paragraphs and minimum one sentence, or a few words. no reading anything back, no reviewing past entries. as soon as I think about what I want to write, I have to think about the next thought and write that instead. no premeditation, no presuming an invisible audience

4. tea is a secret fourth ritual.

5. naming dread as i feel it. saying it out loud.

6. i’ve been listening mostly to ambient or deep listening, or droning music and it’s very meditative. I’m avoiding listening to music that will make me think of the music I make, to avoid comparison and avoid taking myself out of the joy of listening

7. what has really happened in the last six months is that I was dealing with a friendship loss, a re-worked band situation, friction within that, internal conflict about resolving that friction, social media burnout far past its expiration date, the holidays with no breaks, and the realization that without social media, artists get no free promotion.

8. i’m abandoning any kind of form or structure for this post, strictly as an indulgence

9. While I’m walking, if I close my eyes and look at what I see happening inside my eyelids, I can lose any sense of my physical body existing for 1 - 2 seconds. I’m sure all of this walking will bring more discoveries like that.

10. I did not expect to care about tiktok being banned because I was under the false assumption that if you already had the app, it would still work and that only those people trying to download it would notice anything. I was wrong and seeing the notification referencing the guy who tried to ban it in the first place made me realize how incredibly fucked up the situation is.

11. Sometimes, lately, I decide to skip a news cycle. The tiktok ban was something I skipped, so, that’s what you get for choosing not to be informed: misinformation.

12. I could not have guessed ten years ago that my biggest aspiration would be to have no thoughts, to sit quietly in the present moment and not feel my mind run away to any particular direction.

13. Writers block, I think, only exists for me when I’m afraid of putting out something “not good.” The cure is to put out what is happening in your head without judgment.

14. I’m planning on watching a good movie today. and tomorrow night. and pretending for just a few days like someone very bad is not about to be in office again. sometimes I get jealous that other people have more eloquence talking in certain terms about oligarchies and fucking idiots like that. they’re just fucking evil idiots to me and I wish I had to words to come across more intelligently about them but it’s early and I don’t have my glasses on.